Joyful, Joyful

Has it really been six months! Well technically we are a couple weeks short of that but close enough. Tsihon Evangeline is doing well. She is growing in every area and we are blessed and grateful for God's faithfulness in her time with us thus far. She is bright, funny, smart, passionate, caring, helpful, kind, generous and inquisitive. She is VERY strong-willed and independent which I believe stems from her time of having to be that way in order to survive. When you are dependent upon at the ripe old age of 5 to help provide for your family, independence and a strong will are bound to develop. We are still working on that continual battle of we are the parents and you no longer have to worry about taking care of yourself. We see her try to be the parent in every aspect, including parenting our youngest. I have to confess, that grates on my nerves most of the time. I have to remind myself why she takes over and pray for the grace to respond kindly and graciously. I fail more than not. Sorry is my new favorite word in the vocabulary. Parenting two has truly brought me to my knees in acknowledgement of my humanity. It has also revealed God's ALL encompassing grace. I think almost every adoptive parent will tell you the same thing. Overall though, Evangeline has not really struggled and compared to what I was preparing for, I am amazed. Do we see grief, absolutely. There are days that you can tell she hurts and misses her family. You can see it in her big beautiful brown eyes that she aches inside. She is a quiet griever. God has given me the eyes to begin seeing those moments of quiet. What do you say to this precious child? Like I could ever understand.  I try and assure her that it is okay to miss your family and your culture, that ideally she would still be in Ethiopia and with her family. I tell her that I hurt for her. I cannot begin to fathom what it would be like to be stripped from everything you know and forced to live in another culture and with a family that does not look like you and does not hold your past. I imagine it would be incredibly difficult and painful to have to learn new customs in order to function successfully in this new world you have entered. No, it is not ideal. I love supporting ministries that bring together widows and orphans. I also love ministries that work with mothers in order to help them provide for themselves and their children so they NEVER have to relinquish their children due to poverty. However, until there is enough support to go around there is a need for families willing to love these kids as their own. So I gently remind her that life is not as it should be. It hurts. It is painful. I then tell her that their is an abundant hope. Our hope in Jesus. As we come upon the Easter season and are reflecting on what Christ did on the cross while we wait to celebrate the day that He rose and conquered ALL, I remind her of the hope we have every day. Christ came, He died for you and for me but here is the best news of all, He did not remain in the grave! NO! He conquered death and is ALIVE! Our faith hinges on the fact that Christ rose again. Our power and salvation rests in the fact that Christ conquered it all. There will be a day when the pain and hurting will end and everything will return to how it should have been, in completeness with our Lord. So, today I remind her that things might hurt and the tears will fall but know that you have not been left alone and you are fiercely loved and have a purpose that extends far greater than you can even imagine. You are precious and God has a plan even in the hurting. You are precious to us as well and we are so grateful for the gift of you! God is faithful and good.

As I have prayed that my children would see the love the Lord has for them and their need for that love and grace, I have seen true joy in the heart of Evangeline. A kind of joy that is supernatural. On many occasions I have had strangers walk up to me and say that E is oozing joy. They have told me that she is like sunshine on a dark day and in Washington that occurs often. :) They have wondered how a girl that has experienced so much has the determination and strength that she has. I have wondered the same thing and have wondered if she does have a love for Jesus in her heart and a desire for His purpose and will in her life. She has learned enough English now so I thought I would ask her if she has accepted Jesus into her heart. Her answer was simple. YES mama!! Oh Yes!! I know that I mess up , I know He died for me! He will heal my hurts! He will make me new! Yes baby girl He will. I know because I have seen it in my life. I wanted to make sure that she understood grace. So I asked her if she thought she could make God love her. Again, she answered simply, no. He just loves me, right? Yes my dear He does even in our junk. I know there is a joy there that comes from knowing our Lord. I see Him ever so present in her life. Is she still a kid?? YES!! We are still trying to figure out how to best discipline her but it brings my heart great joy to know that she loves the One who loves her the most.

Things are getting crazy! Pete will be leaving in a month and we will be moving to Kansas City, MO in a couple of weeks. So the days run together and the girls are running wild most of the time but we are trying to embrace the moments and find the thankful. Again, I am failing most of the time but it is allowing me to see the abundant grace in my own life. Is this my life?? It really is rewarding running hard after Jesus. It will be interesting to see what God has around the corner. I can face another day because He goes before me.

3 months in

I realized that I have not really update our blog in a while. It is amazing how time flies when you are busy with two wild girls. It amazes me that Miss E has been home for almost three months. Some things have been easier than I thought and other things have been a little harder than I thought. Here are a few small items I have learned.

1. I don't know how anyone parents a child with a traumatic background and language barrier without the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
2. I don't have the strength, patience, love or grace in and of myself. I have floundered hard when I have tried.
3. Hand gestures are now a permanent thing in my life, even when I am not speaking to someone with a different language.
4. Children are much more brave and resilient than we give them credit for.
5. Sisters often like to bond in the middle of the night when they are supposed to be sleeping. (Mine do anyway)
6. No wonder my parents used the "I am going to turn this car right around if you don't settle down" card when kids are going crazy in the backseat.
7. You might need a gas mask to enter our house when certain bodily functions are occurring with both our girls.
8. Sometimes it is okay to go to another room and just take a minute.
9. Girls develop their own fashion sense pretty early on and my fashion is apparently not the "it" thing right now.
10. You can get E to eat any veggie if you put a little salt on it. Don't judge. :)
10. Love is more than a feeling but an action.

On a personal note the last three months have shown me how prideful I am. I thought that I depended on the Holy Spirit to guide me a lot more than I actually do. After many days of cracking, yelling, stomping my feet, crying and just plain apathy I realize that I depend far to much on my own strength. God has been showing me through this adoption just how much I do that. I am in need of something far greater than strength to parent well. I am humbled and this experience has taught me to lean more on Him.

I am also learning that each child is unique and comes with their own ways of coping with grief and change. Support groups which are a great blessing can also be a hindrance to me because of my sin. I tend to compare how others do things and how their children are responding and behaving in certain situations and then gauge whether we are doing okay or bad based off their families. The truth is, every child and family is different. Miss E is going to cope in different ways than other adopted kids. Her story is different from their stories as are theirs from hers. Each child will experience their trauma differently. I LOVE certain books about adoption that come highly recommended. I devoured them. I highly recommend them.  I have gleaned wisdom from them and from other adoptive parents but I have also realized that Miss E is her own person and she will follow her own journey in this life. I say this because Miss E has not followed the books step by step and she has seemed to adjust fairly well. Please do not mistake me for saying that she is not struggling. She has her moments of grief but she seems to be attaching and bonding and for this we are grateful. Because we have not struggled as much as other families I have had moments of panic thinking that I am not paying enough attention and missing important things, which maybe I am. I pray every day that God would give me eyes to see the world through her eyes. However, I think that God has been showing me that she is Miss E and that He has a plan and purpose for her. That He is working ALL things out in her life, the good and the bad, for His glory and her sanctification. This will look differently for every child. Her story is not the same as another adopted child nor are they like her. She does have some of the same struggles that a lot of other adopted children have but there are some things that we have not struggled with. I am learning that I need to glean wisdom from those on this earth that have great insight to adoption of older children but I need to realize that they are still humans and psychology is not a hard science. People are complex beings and complicated at times.  So, I continue to read those important books and seek out wisdom from other moms and dads but hold that with an open hand while praying for God's wisdom on how to parent our girl. God is molding all of us right now and we just need to be open to being molded.

The struggle I am finding the most difficult is with my own heart. As I look upon this child that God has blessed us with I find myself struggling to have maternal instincts. When we were seeing things on paper and a few pictures here and there it was easy for me to feel these maternal feelings for her. Now that she is finally in our home, I realize that she is her own person with her own personality. Her personality has been formed at this age. We did not get a chance to see her grow into that person. We now have to get to  know her without all that past history. This is not as easy as it seems, or at least for me it has not been. When Amelia was born, I loved her because she was given by God and I knew that she was special but I was not IN love with Amelia. That kind of bonding has taken time and is still continuing to develop. As she grows older and I begin to see this unique person that God has made, develop and grow, my feelings and maternal instincts grow deeper and more mature. I believe that happens because of time and life spent together. Times on the couch, time with her when she is sick, time playing together, time talking and hanging out with each other and so on and so on. So, I am trying to breath and remember that it will take time to forge a long lasting bond with Miss E. I love her and know that God has brought us to our family but it will take time to forge that deep maternal bond. Every day brings about another opportunity to bond deeper and build those maternal instincts. Right now I am trusting that God is going to bond our hearts together and I just have to be faithful to show her love and treat her like she is one of our own, because she is and I know that one day there will be absolutely no distinction in my heart. God has called us to this, I believe He will make that bond in my heart.  Please do not get me wrong, I love her, she is not being neglected, we treat her as one of our own. I am talking about he inward struggle I have. Also, my feelings and struggles are not the same as other families. There are families that struggle like I do and there are some that have that deep maternal instinct right off the bat. Again, we are all created very differently.

We are doing well. God is doing great things and I know that our family is drawing closer to Him through this journey. Evangeline is a beautiful little girl with a vibrant personality. She is a strong extrovert and we are strong introverts so she is a perfect fit for us. We look forward to the journey ahead and are grateful for the difficult and easy parts of this journey. We are so grateful that God does not leave us where we are but desires to see us grow and become more Christ like. What a gift to be used to glorify Him. I am not worthy. He is so worthy.