Cocooning for our family

There is a saying in the adoption world that describes the bonding and attachment process when bringing home an adopted kiddo, it is called cocooning. These children have suffered great losses, abuse, malnutrition and for some a lack of bonding and attachment which is crucial to forming a healthy family.

Cocooning is the process by which you completely close yourself off from the world with your child, husband and other children and let no one else in until the child really starts to attach and recognize you as the mother and father. It is important because these kiddos can easily attach to anyone and do not really have an understanding of what family is, so they need to be taught. You let friends drop off meals to you on the door step, you don't go to church or ministry functions, you don't let anyone touch or comfort your child except you, you provide EVERY need that child has until they realize who you are and what your role is. I know that it sounds harsh to someone who has not read Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child" but trust me it is a very needed process. :)

However, after praying, seeking out families that have %100 cocooned, %50 cocooned or did not at all, and realizing that it will be just me for the first month and a half with my toddler, new 8 year old daughter and our crazy basenji that we have decided to do partial cocooning. This will also depend on how Tshion is after she comes home. This is the first plan but as with all plans, one must hold it open and let God do what He will do. What this means is, I do not think it is healthy or helpful to either of my girls for me to lock myself in the house with just the two of them and never come out. I am not seeing much fruit come from that option. So, here is my request to those that will be around Tshion in the next couple of months. I will have a friend or two help me with Amelia but not Tshion. ALL of Tshion's needs will be met by me. When she is upset, I will provide the comfort. When she is hungry, I will feed here. When she is tired, I will put her to bed. When she needs help in the bathroom, I will take her. So on and So on. This is so Tshion begins to understand that I am her mother and I meet all of those needs. I will go out in public and to church but just to one sermon and Tshion will be with me the whole time. I will make play dates with a couple of people I know of , knowing that I will need those people to encourage and help me with my crazy three year old. From that point on, we will go day by day and see where the Lord takes us.

My most important request is this, if you see Tshion in the next couple of months please do not hug or hold her. Try to avoid touchy, feely contact. Again, do not meet any of her needs. I know this sounds cruel but it is so helpful. The way we parent Tshion will look a little different than the way we parent Amelia. I just want everyone on the same page so that you are not hurt or offended when I ask you not to hug or help my child. You can say hello and be excited and even play with her, I just need to be the most important figure in her life. Pete is as well but since he will be gone, I am referring to myself. Please pray as we begin this HUGE transition. Pray for our precious daughter's heart as she is about to leave the only place she has ever called home. Pray that we will walk in grace and utter dependence on Jesus. Thank you for your continued love and support!!

In the good, bad, hard and easy....

" Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30

Weary and heavy laden are words that express everything about me in the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed by so much and have so much that demands my attention. Amelia has been a different creature from another planet as far as I am concerned. We have had tantrums that have lasted 10 minutes to full on screaming fests for 3 hours. I am so very weary...

I have had to hold my screaming toddler, while other people look on in horror, and walk out of the store. I have had to grocery shop while she screams due to the fact that I have told her no to something. I have to press on with the groceries because if I don't there will be no food on the table for dinner. I am so tired.....

I have had another mother tell me that I need to discipline my child in order for her to act better. She told me this as Amelia was throwing herself down on the floor kicking and screaming because I had just disciplined her for hitting another child. What am I doing wrong? I am heavy laden.....

I received wonderful news that we were FINALLY submitted to Embassy and all the emotion I can muster is utter fear because Pete has been working REALLY late nights and he will be gone the first month and a half Tshion will be home leaving me alone with a 3 year old who I can not seem to calm down and a daughter who is in a whole new world with a whole new language that she does not understand. I am overwhelmed....

I am exhausted, spent, no more to give. I am at my end of my rope and we are just about to embark in one of the hardest journeys, bringing Tshion home and helping her to adjust and bond. I cry out in anger to God, telling Him that He must be nuts to entrust this to me. Surely He knows that I am at a serious breaking point. I am not being faithful, I should not be entrusted with this. Lord, why me, why us?

The honest to goodness truth is, the last few months have been so dry spiritually. I have found myself going day to day just making sure that I can survive the next tantrum and stay awake long enough to see Pete come home from work. God has not pulled away from me. I have pulled away from Him. I have arrogantly placed myself in His place and have tried to take on the roles that God has blessed me with into my own hands. I have failed miserably. I am angry, emotional and overwhelmed. When my relationship with God is off kilter, EVERYTHING else is going to suffer, including myself. Sin rears its ugly head and I try to bury it deeper without addressing it. I have let fear overwhelm me to the point of health issues. I can only see the negative in front of me. I have cried out to God telling Him that I miss Him but I am too tired to spend time with Him.

That is until last night when I bore my heart and He revealed what He was doing in the hard days and nights that Pete is gone and Amelia is screaming through another hour and my head feels like it is going to explode because I don't know what to do to love and discipline her. He is breaking me again. I have had these times in my life where I have pridefully tried to manage the overwhelming load before me and God has broke me each and every time, thankfully! He has broken me again. I have let myself believe that I am capable of managing this thing called my life. I cannot. I am as dry as a shriveled up prune. There is no more of me to go around. I will not survive without God's constant provision, grace, mercy, wisdom and love walking with me through every minute of every day. Walking in grace and trust. I cannot heal Tshion's heart, I cannot muster the patience, grace and love that she and Amelia will need in the coming months. I will have to rely on the Spirit He has given me. If Jesus went to His Father and prayed, what makes me arrogantly think that I don't need to be communicating with Him every moment. I am humbled. The only way the next month and a half and the rest of my life, for that matter, will be considered easy and light is if I continually realize the abundant grace and love that I can walk in every day because of Christ's death and resurrection. I do not have to worry about the little things of life, God has ALL of those small details and big details worked out. I don't have to be perfect, have it all figured out and in control. I just need to daily turn my eyes to the One who does have it, who holds the answers. Oh why does He continue to love this soul and heart that wanders. I love how he takes the hard in life and turns it good. I love how I can depend on Him when the rest of my world feels so overwhelming. I love that this world is not about me and that He can turn my eyes to things that are bigger than myself. I love that He can make me see the beautiful if I just let Him. I am thirsty, thirsty to see more of Him and less of myself. Thirsty to truly know Him. To truly know the depth of His grace. I want to see Him move in the next few months. I want to rest and He has lovingly reminded me of how to do that. Life will be hard, I am not naive but again I feel like He has turned my head and mind to see His truth and not my own.

So why me? why us? It is not about me at all. It is about Him. All things for His glory. My life laid out so that He might be made known to a hurting world. Bringing Tshion home is going to bring about real challenges but God is moving. He is being glorified. We will all be changed and hopefully our eyes will be all the more focused on Him because of this journey. Each challenge provides an opportunity to see Him, really see Him and a forever change into the hard heart that He continues to soften.