There is a saying in the adoption world that describes the bonding and attachment process when bringing home an adopted kiddo, it is called cocooning. These children have suffered great losses, abuse, malnutrition and for some a lack of bonding and attachment which is crucial to forming a healthy family.
Cocooning is the process by which you completely close yourself off from the world with your child, husband and other children and let no one else in until the child really starts to attach and recognize you as the mother and father. It is important because these kiddos can easily attach to anyone and do not really have an understanding of what family is, so they need to be taught. You let friends drop off meals to you on the door step, you don't go to church or ministry functions, you don't let anyone touch or comfort your child except you, you provide EVERY need that child has until they realize who you are and what your role is. I know that it sounds harsh to someone who has not read Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child" but trust me it is a very needed process. :)
However, after praying, seeking out families that have %100 cocooned, %50 cocooned or did not at all, and realizing that it will be just me for the first month and a half with my toddler, new 8 year old daughter and our crazy basenji that we have decided to do partial cocooning. This will also depend on how Tshion is after she comes home. This is the first plan but as with all plans, one must hold it open and let God do what He will do. What this means is, I do not think it is healthy or helpful to either of my girls for me to lock myself in the house with just the two of them and never come out. I am not seeing much fruit come from that option. So, here is my request to those that will be around Tshion in the next couple of months. I will have a friend or two help me with Amelia but not Tshion. ALL of Tshion's needs will be met by me. When she is upset, I will provide the comfort. When she is hungry, I will feed here. When she is tired, I will put her to bed. When she needs help in the bathroom, I will take her. So on and So on. This is so Tshion begins to understand that I am her mother and I meet all of those needs. I will go out in public and to church but just to one sermon and Tshion will be with me the whole time. I will make play dates with a couple of people I know of , knowing that I will need those people to encourage and help me with my crazy three year old. From that point on, we will go day by day and see where the Lord takes us.
My most important request is this, if you see Tshion in the next couple of months please do not hug or hold her. Try to avoid touchy, feely contact. Again, do not meet any of her needs. I know this sounds cruel but it is so helpful. The way we parent Tshion will look a little different than the way we parent Amelia. I just want everyone on the same page so that you are not hurt or offended when I ask you not to hug or help my child. You can say hello and be excited and even play with her, I just need to be the most important figure in her life. Pete is as well but since he will be gone, I am referring to myself. Please pray as we begin this HUGE transition. Pray for our precious daughter's heart as she is about to leave the only place she has ever called home. Pray that we will walk in grace and utter dependence on Jesus. Thank you for your continued love and support!!
Cocooning is the process by which you completely close yourself off from the world with your child, husband and other children and let no one else in until the child really starts to attach and recognize you as the mother and father. It is important because these kiddos can easily attach to anyone and do not really have an understanding of what family is, so they need to be taught. You let friends drop off meals to you on the door step, you don't go to church or ministry functions, you don't let anyone touch or comfort your child except you, you provide EVERY need that child has until they realize who you are and what your role is. I know that it sounds harsh to someone who has not read Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child" but trust me it is a very needed process. :)
However, after praying, seeking out families that have %100 cocooned, %50 cocooned or did not at all, and realizing that it will be just me for the first month and a half with my toddler, new 8 year old daughter and our crazy basenji that we have decided to do partial cocooning. This will also depend on how Tshion is after she comes home. This is the first plan but as with all plans, one must hold it open and let God do what He will do. What this means is, I do not think it is healthy or helpful to either of my girls for me to lock myself in the house with just the two of them and never come out. I am not seeing much fruit come from that option. So, here is my request to those that will be around Tshion in the next couple of months. I will have a friend or two help me with Amelia but not Tshion. ALL of Tshion's needs will be met by me. When she is upset, I will provide the comfort. When she is hungry, I will feed here. When she is tired, I will put her to bed. When she needs help in the bathroom, I will take her. So on and So on. This is so Tshion begins to understand that I am her mother and I meet all of those needs. I will go out in public and to church but just to one sermon and Tshion will be with me the whole time. I will make play dates with a couple of people I know of , knowing that I will need those people to encourage and help me with my crazy three year old. From that point on, we will go day by day and see where the Lord takes us.
My most important request is this, if you see Tshion in the next couple of months please do not hug or hold her. Try to avoid touchy, feely contact. Again, do not meet any of her needs. I know this sounds cruel but it is so helpful. The way we parent Tshion will look a little different than the way we parent Amelia. I just want everyone on the same page so that you are not hurt or offended when I ask you not to hug or help my child. You can say hello and be excited and even play with her, I just need to be the most important figure in her life. Pete is as well but since he will be gone, I am referring to myself. Please pray as we begin this HUGE transition. Pray for our precious daughter's heart as she is about to leave the only place she has ever called home. Pray that we will walk in grace and utter dependence on Jesus. Thank you for your continued love and support!!
Having met Tshion and loved on her in Ethiopia - I think you are 100% on the right track. She is such a loving little lady and you are right to help her channel those hugs to her Mommy!!
ReplyDeleteI can't say much more than I just love the stuffing out of you. You and Pete are simply stunning. Amazing. I cannot describe the respect I have for the two of you as parents. Seriously.
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing. Thank you for communicating the needs of your family and for trusting those in your life to love you and understand what you're asking, and to respond with gladness, realization and cooperation-filled support.
You are awe-inspiring. :)