" Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30
Weary and heavy laden are words that express everything about me in the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed by so much and have so much that demands my attention. Amelia has been a different creature from another planet as far as I am concerned. We have had tantrums that have lasted 10 minutes to full on screaming fests for 3 hours. I am so very weary...
I have had to hold my screaming toddler, while other people look on in horror, and walk out of the store. I have had to grocery shop while she screams due to the fact that I have told her no to something. I have to press on with the groceries because if I don't there will be no food on the table for dinner. I am so tired.....
I have had another mother tell me that I need to discipline my child in order for her to act better. She told me this as Amelia was throwing herself down on the floor kicking and screaming because I had just disciplined her for hitting another child. What am I doing wrong? I am heavy laden.....
I received wonderful news that we were FINALLY submitted to Embassy and all the emotion I can muster is utter fear because Pete has been working REALLY late nights and he will be gone the first month and a half Tshion will be home leaving me alone with a 3 year old who I can not seem to calm down and a daughter who is in a whole new world with a whole new language that she does not understand. I am overwhelmed....
I am exhausted, spent, no more to give. I am at my end of my rope and we are just about to embark in one of the hardest journeys, bringing Tshion home and helping her to adjust and bond. I cry out in anger to God, telling Him that He must be nuts to entrust this to me. Surely He knows that I am at a serious breaking point. I am not being faithful, I should not be entrusted with this. Lord, why me, why us?
The honest to goodness truth is, the last few months have been so dry spiritually. I have found myself going day to day just making sure that I can survive the next tantrum and stay awake long enough to see Pete come home from work. God has not pulled away from me. I have pulled away from Him. I have arrogantly placed myself in His place and have tried to take on the roles that God has blessed me with into my own hands. I have failed miserably. I am angry, emotional and overwhelmed. When my relationship with God is off kilter, EVERYTHING else is going to suffer, including myself. Sin rears its ugly head and I try to bury it deeper without addressing it. I have let fear overwhelm me to the point of health issues. I can only see the negative in front of me. I have cried out to God telling Him that I miss Him but I am too tired to spend time with Him.
That is until last night when I bore my heart and He revealed what He was doing in the hard days and nights that Pete is gone and Amelia is screaming through another hour and my head feels like it is going to explode because I don't know what to do to love and discipline her. He is breaking me again. I have had these times in my life where I have pridefully tried to manage the overwhelming load before me and God has broke me each and every time, thankfully! He has broken me again. I have let myself believe that I am capable of managing this thing called my life. I cannot. I am as dry as a shriveled up prune. There is no more of me to go around. I will not survive without God's constant provision, grace, mercy, wisdom and love walking with me through every minute of every day. Walking in grace and trust. I cannot heal Tshion's heart, I cannot muster the patience, grace and love that she and Amelia will need in the coming months. I will have to rely on the Spirit He has given me. If Jesus went to His Father and prayed, what makes me arrogantly think that I don't need to be communicating with Him every moment. I am humbled. The only way the next month and a half and the rest of my life, for that matter, will be considered easy and light is if I continually realize the abundant grace and love that I can walk in every day because of Christ's death and resurrection. I do not have to worry about the little things of life, God has ALL of those small details and big details worked out. I don't have to be perfect, have it all figured out and in control. I just need to daily turn my eyes to the One who does have it, who holds the answers. Oh why does He continue to love this soul and heart that wanders. I love how he takes the hard in life and turns it good. I love how I can depend on Him when the rest of my world feels so overwhelming. I love that this world is not about me and that He can turn my eyes to things that are bigger than myself. I love that He can make me see the beautiful if I just let Him. I am thirsty, thirsty to see more of Him and less of myself. Thirsty to truly know Him. To truly know the depth of His grace. I want to see Him move in the next few months. I want to rest and He has lovingly reminded me of how to do that. Life will be hard, I am not naive but again I feel like He has turned my head and mind to see His truth and not my own.
So why me? why us? It is not about me at all. It is about Him. All things for His glory. My life laid out so that He might be made known to a hurting world. Bringing Tshion home is going to bring about real challenges but God is moving. He is being glorified. We will all be changed and hopefully our eyes will be all the more focused on Him because of this journey. Each challenge provides an opportunity to see Him, really see Him and a forever change into the hard heart that He continues to soften.
Weary and heavy laden are words that express everything about me in the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed by so much and have so much that demands my attention. Amelia has been a different creature from another planet as far as I am concerned. We have had tantrums that have lasted 10 minutes to full on screaming fests for 3 hours. I am so very weary...
I have had to hold my screaming toddler, while other people look on in horror, and walk out of the store. I have had to grocery shop while she screams due to the fact that I have told her no to something. I have to press on with the groceries because if I don't there will be no food on the table for dinner. I am so tired.....
I have had another mother tell me that I need to discipline my child in order for her to act better. She told me this as Amelia was throwing herself down on the floor kicking and screaming because I had just disciplined her for hitting another child. What am I doing wrong? I am heavy laden.....
I received wonderful news that we were FINALLY submitted to Embassy and all the emotion I can muster is utter fear because Pete has been working REALLY late nights and he will be gone the first month and a half Tshion will be home leaving me alone with a 3 year old who I can not seem to calm down and a daughter who is in a whole new world with a whole new language that she does not understand. I am overwhelmed....
I am exhausted, spent, no more to give. I am at my end of my rope and we are just about to embark in one of the hardest journeys, bringing Tshion home and helping her to adjust and bond. I cry out in anger to God, telling Him that He must be nuts to entrust this to me. Surely He knows that I am at a serious breaking point. I am not being faithful, I should not be entrusted with this. Lord, why me, why us?
The honest to goodness truth is, the last few months have been so dry spiritually. I have found myself going day to day just making sure that I can survive the next tantrum and stay awake long enough to see Pete come home from work. God has not pulled away from me. I have pulled away from Him. I have arrogantly placed myself in His place and have tried to take on the roles that God has blessed me with into my own hands. I have failed miserably. I am angry, emotional and overwhelmed. When my relationship with God is off kilter, EVERYTHING else is going to suffer, including myself. Sin rears its ugly head and I try to bury it deeper without addressing it. I have let fear overwhelm me to the point of health issues. I can only see the negative in front of me. I have cried out to God telling Him that I miss Him but I am too tired to spend time with Him.
That is until last night when I bore my heart and He revealed what He was doing in the hard days and nights that Pete is gone and Amelia is screaming through another hour and my head feels like it is going to explode because I don't know what to do to love and discipline her. He is breaking me again. I have had these times in my life where I have pridefully tried to manage the overwhelming load before me and God has broke me each and every time, thankfully! He has broken me again. I have let myself believe that I am capable of managing this thing called my life. I cannot. I am as dry as a shriveled up prune. There is no more of me to go around. I will not survive without God's constant provision, grace, mercy, wisdom and love walking with me through every minute of every day. Walking in grace and trust. I cannot heal Tshion's heart, I cannot muster the patience, grace and love that she and Amelia will need in the coming months. I will have to rely on the Spirit He has given me. If Jesus went to His Father and prayed, what makes me arrogantly think that I don't need to be communicating with Him every moment. I am humbled. The only way the next month and a half and the rest of my life, for that matter, will be considered easy and light is if I continually realize the abundant grace and love that I can walk in every day because of Christ's death and resurrection. I do not have to worry about the little things of life, God has ALL of those small details and big details worked out. I don't have to be perfect, have it all figured out and in control. I just need to daily turn my eyes to the One who does have it, who holds the answers. Oh why does He continue to love this soul and heart that wanders. I love how he takes the hard in life and turns it good. I love how I can depend on Him when the rest of my world feels so overwhelming. I love that this world is not about me and that He can turn my eyes to things that are bigger than myself. I love that He can make me see the beautiful if I just let Him. I am thirsty, thirsty to see more of Him and less of myself. Thirsty to truly know Him. To truly know the depth of His grace. I want to see Him move in the next few months. I want to rest and He has lovingly reminded me of how to do that. Life will be hard, I am not naive but again I feel like He has turned my head and mind to see His truth and not my own.
So why me? why us? It is not about me at all. It is about Him. All things for His glory. My life laid out so that He might be made known to a hurting world. Bringing Tshion home is going to bring about real challenges but God is moving. He is being glorified. We will all be changed and hopefully our eyes will be all the more focused on Him because of this journey. Each challenge provides an opportunity to see Him, really see Him and a forever change into the hard heart that He continues to soften.
I can add no words here. Save that you make me better by being you. Open. True. Bared to His absolute necessity in your life. Proclaiming His role, crying out for His presence. I will come back tomorrow with verses too. Ones that get me through the darkened "whys". (I saw you ask for that on your wall.) For now, tonight, know that I read. I praise Him for you. And I support you 10000%, any hour of the day, any day of the week.
ReplyDeleteYou are exquisite.
Kristin, I want you to know that YOU ARE SPECIAL IN GOD'S EYES, and HE knows how you feel and what you are going through, and HE will bring you through whatever comes in your path. Remember the saying " IF GOD BRINGS YOU TO IT HE WILL GET YOU THROUGH IT " Just continue being the wonderful and beautiful person you are, and keep the Faith my dear friend !!! I am keeping you in my daily prayers, always and forever....Love you !!! GOD BLESS 111
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