Entitlement

Evangeline looks at me with those big eyes and proceeds to wave one finger around saying, "NO, NO." It takes everything I have and lots of prayer not to yell at her.....

This has been a constant scene around our house and around town. It has been the most difficult, challenging part of this adoption thus far. Evangeline (Tsihon) has decided that she is entitled to everything. She gets angry and ungrateful when she does not receive something that she desires. We walked into our 1000sq ft apartment and she pointed to a big house down the street and said, "mamma, there." Those were some of the first words I heard. She says no to almost every kind of food, even Ethiopian and sometimes refuses to wear the clothes that I took hours picking out for her. We walk around the stores and she feels as though she deserves everything on the shelves and more. I think I have heard the phrase, "mamma no and mamma, that" more than you can count. It really has taken strength for me to not want to scream at her and tell her to stop telling me no or being ungrateful for something she has in front of her. I feel the same way when Amelia does that.

I have been praying for patience and grace in relating to her because the issue is three fold I believe. She is a kid and has never seen much of this stuff before; she has been told that parents will give her everything she could want or desire and the biggest reason, she is sinful. She has the same human nature that you and I do, sinful. Her natural desire is to want more and more and more and expect it. Everything in our culture tells us that we are entitled to have anything we want and we can do whatever we want to achieve those wants. We were told over and over not to expect her to be grateful for her adoption or the things in which we would give her as she came home. She is still just a kid who has been yanked out of everything she knows and told what to expect here, everything. She has been told that life will be roses from this point on. I would be expecting and wanting everything as well. As she rolls her eyes for the 30th time in a day, I try to remember those truths and gently re-direct her and tell her that we cannot get everything we want. Sometimes baby, life will be plain hard, even now after finding a family. Try explaining that to a kiddo who can barely speak your language and is refusing to look at you. I have failed once or twice and told her in a much too stern voice not to tell me no again. Yep, I am a sinner too. I have already had to apologize more times than I would care to share on this blog.

This particular attitude has been eye opening for me as well. How often to I expect things from God. How often do I pout and complain when I do not get something that I feel entitled to, from the big things to the small things in life. Things like:

Pete not responding to me the way I would like
Children not listening to me and obeying
Our 1000ft sq apartment that I feel should be a bit bigger for a family of four
Pete having to stay late yet again at work
Pain that comes from trial
Having the nicer things in life
Desiring to go my own direction instead of where God is leading

The list could go on and on with the things in life that I feel I have a right to have. I have a strong sense of entitlement and the bible is clear with what I deserve, death. (Romans 6:23) God has not promised me good fortune, wealth or even constant happiness on this side of earth. Nor did I earn His favor because of my good works. (Isaiah 64:6) In fact, the bible tells me to prepare for persecution and trial and even consider it pure joy. (James 1:2-10, 1 Peter 1) God's word tells me that there will be pain on this side of heaven and that this world is not what we put our hope in. The best and most undeserving gift has already been bestowed on me, God's grace and ultimate acceptance through Jesus. That is what He has promised me, a hope and a future because of what Christ did, not what I am entitled to. I have hope that one day there will be no more sorrow and no more pain and I will walk side by side with my Lord and Savior. (Revelation 21:4) My goal is not to be comfortable on this side of Heaven but to lay aside myself for the sake of others and the gospel. ( Philippians 2:1-18)Why? Because Christ laid down His life for me. Yes, for me. The mom who sometimes looses her cool, jumps down her husband's throat, says little white lies, ignores pet sin and can often times not be very loving. There are many others I could add to the list but those are a few. He paid the price, He adopted me into His kingdom, He loves me even when I am ungrateful, He patiently teaches me and loves me and above all He has shown me His abundant, all encompassing grace. The kind of grace that spurs you to action and total devotion. May I continue to to remember these things when I forget the most precious gift that has been given to me. I hope to remember the life I am called to live on this earth as I try to point my daughter's towards Christ.

It will take time, love, patience and lots of grace to teach Evangeline and Amelia. I suppose that is what parenting is all about. My hope is that they will eventually see how much their Father in Heaven loves them and how much He has given for their life. I pray for the strength and wisdom to continue to pour myself out sacrificially in order for my children to see Him. That is not always so easy, especially in the morning. ;) When I begin to feel like I am entitled to something other than what has been given to me through the gospel, may I remember in humility the One who laid it all on the line for me.

Gotcha Day

The Ethiopian 787 Dreamliner airplane was beyond a blessing from the Lord. What a way to head into Ethiopia for a busy and emotional three days than to cruise with plenty of leg room and just all around service! I highly recommend anyone using that airliner if possible when traveling to Africa!

We walked through sea after sea of people that were just as anxious to see the beautiful light of day after being on airplanes for the last 17 hours as we were. People were pushing, cutting and all around crazy. I think planes do that to people. The thing about a third world countries airport is, there is no for sure system. So you might go one time and the next time it is completely different. You have to have a willingness to just submit to whatever might come your way. So we finally made it through the throng of people and stepped out into the most beautiful, sunny day. Here we were, exhausted and about to pick up our daughter forever. Wow, what a thought, ours on earth forever.  No more a threesome but a foursome. Nothing was ever going to be the same, in a great way!

As many of you know I have been fretting about all the small details of finally becoming a full-time parent to this vivacious girl. What schooling, what hair, what extra activities, how to bond, how to discipline, how to love, and the list goes on and on. So much to think through. So much to consider. So much to choose. However, with as much planning as we do we can never know fully what will happen until we are thrusted into a situation and we are forced to begin taking inventory on what actually needs to happen. Before we left, Amelia and I were driving and Amelia pointed out a bird in the street that was drinking water. She was so exited because she said he was thirsty and needed some. I reminded her of the story in the gospels of how God provides for the birds of the air. (Matthew 6:25-34) There are so many things to worry about in regards to bringing Tsihon home and beginning to form our family of four. Things that in wisdom, we have thought through and tried to make a plan for. However, things do not always go to plan and life has a funny way of throwing curve balls at you, so those are the times I have to remember that worrying brings about nothing but by prayer and thanksgiving, peace and truth will come. (Philippians 4:6-7) Jesus was right, there are too many things in a single day that bring trial, there is no need to worry about the things of tomorrow. He is in control. She is a child from a broken past, with hurts, hang ups, anger and grief. She is also beautiful, caring, loving, vivacious and fun. I cannot heal her heart and make it okay. It would be arrogant for me to try. So I must not worry and rely on the One who can do those very large tasks. He will heal her heart. I must walk in daily prayer and constantly hand over every situation to Jesus. Things work better when I do! Right now, I have decided to take every day one at a time. I have the broad picture of what it will look like but my main goal right now is to bond and help Tsihon make this transition. Everything else can wait until another day.

We took a much needed shower and headed over to the transition home. I was so excited to hold her again. Everyone had told us that she was counting down the days. It made my heart glad to know she was so excited that we were coming rather than being ambivalent about the whole thing. We pulled up and a very thoughtful family offered to take pictures for us. AWAA families are awesome, I cannot say enough about them. Anyhoo it was time to meet again. We stood outside the door and waited and waited and waited. It seemed like forever but I am sure it was like 3 minutes. She finally came walking through the doors and her mega-watt smile came busting out. She took off running, yelling momma, daddy in her husky little voice. This time Pete had the honor of having her jump into his arms. It was so precious and you could tell Pete was thrilled with that idea. Tsihon is already a daddy's girl. She grabbed me next and it was so good to hold her. A couple hours later, after saying goodbye to many people, we walked out the gate hand in hand saying goodbye to one home and walking into another.

Things have been going well up to this point. She is listening the best she can with a language barrier and she is sleeping well. Our largest issue is food. We knew food hoarding and stuffing could be a problem with a child from an orphanage because of the previous lack of food. She has yet to trust that food will always be around. So we are dealing with her always wanting to eat the snacks that I brought. I mean tons and tons of food. The worst thing right now would be to tell her no because we need to build the trust that we will always provide food. Right now we are trying to give her a few of those snacks and then hiding them. When she asks for more we tell her that she can have another after our next meal, breakfast, lunch and dinner. This seems to be working. The snacks are the only American thing she will eat otherwise she will not touch our kind of food. It is all Ethiopian food for our girl, I cannot blame her, it is good! So we will have issues at home but again we are going to start taking this one day at a time, not week by week or month by month. So right now God is blessing us with peace and bonding. We know there will probably come a time when the grief will begin and we will deal with that as it comes. Right now we are enjoying laughter, hugs, kisses and lots of I love yous!!

We are no longer a family just by blood but a family of adoption just like our Father did for us! That beautiful picture that is painted in the bible about our salvation is more alive than ever for me. However, like one adopted mom so beautifully pointed out, our salvation started with great brokenness and grief. So I imagine there will be lows before we enter true peace and hope. Here is to the journey ahead. Welcome Home Tsihon Evangeline (Eva) Hathaway! We are blessed to call you daughter!

Cocooning for our family

There is a saying in the adoption world that describes the bonding and attachment process when bringing home an adopted kiddo, it is called cocooning. These children have suffered great losses, abuse, malnutrition and for some a lack of bonding and attachment which is crucial to forming a healthy family.

Cocooning is the process by which you completely close yourself off from the world with your child, husband and other children and let no one else in until the child really starts to attach and recognize you as the mother and father. It is important because these kiddos can easily attach to anyone and do not really have an understanding of what family is, so they need to be taught. You let friends drop off meals to you on the door step, you don't go to church or ministry functions, you don't let anyone touch or comfort your child except you, you provide EVERY need that child has until they realize who you are and what your role is. I know that it sounds harsh to someone who has not read Karyn Purvis's book "The Connected Child" but trust me it is a very needed process. :)

However, after praying, seeking out families that have %100 cocooned, %50 cocooned or did not at all, and realizing that it will be just me for the first month and a half with my toddler, new 8 year old daughter and our crazy basenji that we have decided to do partial cocooning. This will also depend on how Tshion is after she comes home. This is the first plan but as with all plans, one must hold it open and let God do what He will do. What this means is, I do not think it is healthy or helpful to either of my girls for me to lock myself in the house with just the two of them and never come out. I am not seeing much fruit come from that option. So, here is my request to those that will be around Tshion in the next couple of months. I will have a friend or two help me with Amelia but not Tshion. ALL of Tshion's needs will be met by me. When she is upset, I will provide the comfort. When she is hungry, I will feed here. When she is tired, I will put her to bed. When she needs help in the bathroom, I will take her. So on and So on. This is so Tshion begins to understand that I am her mother and I meet all of those needs. I will go out in public and to church but just to one sermon and Tshion will be with me the whole time. I will make play dates with a couple of people I know of , knowing that I will need those people to encourage and help me with my crazy three year old. From that point on, we will go day by day and see where the Lord takes us.

My most important request is this, if you see Tshion in the next couple of months please do not hug or hold her. Try to avoid touchy, feely contact. Again, do not meet any of her needs. I know this sounds cruel but it is so helpful. The way we parent Tshion will look a little different than the way we parent Amelia. I just want everyone on the same page so that you are not hurt or offended when I ask you not to hug or help my child. You can say hello and be excited and even play with her, I just need to be the most important figure in her life. Pete is as well but since he will be gone, I am referring to myself. Please pray as we begin this HUGE transition. Pray for our precious daughter's heart as she is about to leave the only place she has ever called home. Pray that we will walk in grace and utter dependence on Jesus. Thank you for your continued love and support!!

In the good, bad, hard and easy....

" Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gently and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. " Matthew 11:28-30

Weary and heavy laden are words that express everything about me in the last few weeks. I am overwhelmed by so much and have so much that demands my attention. Amelia has been a different creature from another planet as far as I am concerned. We have had tantrums that have lasted 10 minutes to full on screaming fests for 3 hours. I am so very weary...

I have had to hold my screaming toddler, while other people look on in horror, and walk out of the store. I have had to grocery shop while she screams due to the fact that I have told her no to something. I have to press on with the groceries because if I don't there will be no food on the table for dinner. I am so tired.....

I have had another mother tell me that I need to discipline my child in order for her to act better. She told me this as Amelia was throwing herself down on the floor kicking and screaming because I had just disciplined her for hitting another child. What am I doing wrong? I am heavy laden.....

I received wonderful news that we were FINALLY submitted to Embassy and all the emotion I can muster is utter fear because Pete has been working REALLY late nights and he will be gone the first month and a half Tshion will be home leaving me alone with a 3 year old who I can not seem to calm down and a daughter who is in a whole new world with a whole new language that she does not understand. I am overwhelmed....

I am exhausted, spent, no more to give. I am at my end of my rope and we are just about to embark in one of the hardest journeys, bringing Tshion home and helping her to adjust and bond. I cry out in anger to God, telling Him that He must be nuts to entrust this to me. Surely He knows that I am at a serious breaking point. I am not being faithful, I should not be entrusted with this. Lord, why me, why us?

The honest to goodness truth is, the last few months have been so dry spiritually. I have found myself going day to day just making sure that I can survive the next tantrum and stay awake long enough to see Pete come home from work. God has not pulled away from me. I have pulled away from Him. I have arrogantly placed myself in His place and have tried to take on the roles that God has blessed me with into my own hands. I have failed miserably. I am angry, emotional and overwhelmed. When my relationship with God is off kilter, EVERYTHING else is going to suffer, including myself. Sin rears its ugly head and I try to bury it deeper without addressing it. I have let fear overwhelm me to the point of health issues. I can only see the negative in front of me. I have cried out to God telling Him that I miss Him but I am too tired to spend time with Him.

That is until last night when I bore my heart and He revealed what He was doing in the hard days and nights that Pete is gone and Amelia is screaming through another hour and my head feels like it is going to explode because I don't know what to do to love and discipline her. He is breaking me again. I have had these times in my life where I have pridefully tried to manage the overwhelming load before me and God has broke me each and every time, thankfully! He has broken me again. I have let myself believe that I am capable of managing this thing called my life. I cannot. I am as dry as a shriveled up prune. There is no more of me to go around. I will not survive without God's constant provision, grace, mercy, wisdom and love walking with me through every minute of every day. Walking in grace and trust. I cannot heal Tshion's heart, I cannot muster the patience, grace and love that she and Amelia will need in the coming months. I will have to rely on the Spirit He has given me. If Jesus went to His Father and prayed, what makes me arrogantly think that I don't need to be communicating with Him every moment. I am humbled. The only way the next month and a half and the rest of my life, for that matter, will be considered easy and light is if I continually realize the abundant grace and love that I can walk in every day because of Christ's death and resurrection. I do not have to worry about the little things of life, God has ALL of those small details and big details worked out. I don't have to be perfect, have it all figured out and in control. I just need to daily turn my eyes to the One who does have it, who holds the answers. Oh why does He continue to love this soul and heart that wanders. I love how he takes the hard in life and turns it good. I love how I can depend on Him when the rest of my world feels so overwhelming. I love that this world is not about me and that He can turn my eyes to things that are bigger than myself. I love that He can make me see the beautiful if I just let Him. I am thirsty, thirsty to see more of Him and less of myself. Thirsty to truly know Him. To truly know the depth of His grace. I want to see Him move in the next few months. I want to rest and He has lovingly reminded me of how to do that. Life will be hard, I am not naive but again I feel like He has turned my head and mind to see His truth and not my own.

So why me? why us? It is not about me at all. It is about Him. All things for His glory. My life laid out so that He might be made known to a hurting world. Bringing Tshion home is going to bring about real challenges but God is moving. He is being glorified. We will all be changed and hopefully our eyes will be all the more focused on Him because of this journey. Each challenge provides an opportunity to see Him, really see Him and a forever change into the hard heart that He continues to soften.

Her Story To Tell

A lot of you have had genuine questions in regards to Tshion's past. Those questions are not wrong. I would be curious myself if I was in the opposite position. I want you to know that we are grateful for your willingness to follow our journey and seek to know more. However, I did want to address the issue of privacy when it comes to adoption.

Tshion comes with her own history and story to tell. They are hers to share and no one else's. It is important that she has the ability to present them in a way and at a time that she is comfortable with. We do not even know the extent of Tshion's past and we might never know. We are choosing to be active listeners when she is ready to share. She might never share with us. We hope she might but she might begin to close that chapter and not want to re-open it with others. It is hard to say. We just want to be available if the time should arise.

I know it seems very easy to want to know all of the back story that comes from an orphans life but it can feel very intrusive when people walk up to you or or parents and start asking deeply personal questions about your life. I know it would be very uncomfortable if a stranger started asking me about my parents and life. I hope this is coming off graciously, that is truly my intention. I just want our friends and others to understand how it might feel for her. She is not an infant, even though they even come with their own history, she is a 9 year old child. She has had nine years of memories already burned into her mind. Those are precious and all that she will take with her. They are priceless and not to be taken lightly. If you are someone that will be an active partaker in Tshion's life then grow your relationship by seeking to know who she is now and let her open the doors to the past.

We have no problem addressing things about adoption like the process, what it is like, challenges and transition. Feel free to ask! We are excited to advocate for adoption.  If you want to know how to specifically pray for our sweet girl, I can tell you a couple of ways.

1. Pray for the HUGE transition that she is about to go through. We are taking her from everything she knows and it will be difficult.
2. Pray that God would heal the hurt in her heart and reveal Himself to her as the ultimate comforter.
3. Pray for friendships in her life.
4. Pray for ways that we can encourage her to work through grief that will more than likely occur.
5. Pray that she begins to see her past as something that God is making beautiful in its time rather than something that hurts deeply.
6. Pray for her health as we are taking her to the doctor shortly after she comes home and there will more than likely be issues to work through.

Again, we love that we have such a support system, we just wanted each of you to know that we are not being rude when we tell you that we will not answer certain questions about Tshion. We are doing it for her protection and privacy. Thank you so much for all you do!!

Heart of A Servant

 Here are a few things I have learned Tshion during our short time with her.

1. She loves to dance to rap music. We will have to introduce her to our good friend LeCrae!
2. Her ambition is to one day walk the runway and become a supermodel. Seriously, she loves to show off her runway walk. If I could find a way to help her achieve this but without strutting around naked and dealing with the constant pressure to be stick thin, that would be wonderful. She is a supermodel in God's eyes and in ours!
3. She is vivacious, bubbly and very outgoing. She does not know a stranger.
4. She is stubborn and a bit dramatic. It is like looking into my own eyes when I was that age and sometimes at the age I am now.
5. She is smart as a whip.
6. She has the hearts of many people around the world and in her orphanage. They have been rooting for this little girl and will continue to root for her.
7. She has the most contagious laugh and sweet spirit.
8. The most notable thing I have noticed about our sweet girl is her heart for serving others.

That is where I want to camp a moment because it has been on my thoughts since meeting her. All of the kids share things, they have to. That is just something they do but I saw a different heart with Tshion. I saw a heart that longed to share with those that were hurting and those who were neglected. Funny, she IS one of those kids. However, everything and I do mean EVERYTHING we gave her, she gave to another child. Not only that, she did so with a very willing heart. The only thing she refused to give away or share was her pictures of us. We were to go to the orphanage, where she was before the transition home, on our last day. She told our translator the first day we saw her that she felt it was VERY important that we see that place. However, later on we learned that she wanted to go there with us, so we are saving that trip for Embassy where she will then accompany us. She was so adamant that we see it though. She told the translator that it was important we see the other children and see what her life was like.

Her favorite thing to do with us was to go to the little store down the road from the transition home and buy a Miranda, also called an orange soda. One day we walked down there and there were five orphans begging on the street. They so wanted our attention, so we played a bit and Tshion talked to them. They were staring at our Miranda's with wide open eyes. All they wanted was a taste of that sweet liquid. Tshion looked at me with her big deep brown eyes and said very softly, which is unusual, "momma, miranda" and pointed to all of them. We walked inside and bought them all miranda's and their faces lit up and thanks began pouring from their lips in abundance. This is not new, I saw this time after time in Kenya and every time it rocked my world to see such gratefulness for something so small that I so often take for granted. What challenged me this time was that my sweet, 9 year old girl who lived that same way was the one who wanted to serve and give. I could see her heart breaking and her desire to give them something. It blew me away and challenged me. If I was in Tshion's place, I would probably have greedily hoarded everything my parents had given me and the time I had with them. Heck, I hoard my time and materials now! Instead she was giving of time and things. WOW! I pray she does not loose that giving spirit but I also want her to know that she can have things that are hers. She has never had that before. She has challenged me to look past my circumstances and see how I can love those who are hurting and in need. 



Philippians 2:1-11

"Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,
 did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant,  being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death —even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

Speaking of loving on those who are hurting and in need, I wanted to address something that has been bothering my heart lately. James 1:27 says this, "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." It does not say Americans take care of Americans and Ethiopians take care of Ethiopians and so on and so on. Is it ideal that each country take care of their own people, yes. Sadly this is not the case and therefore until that time comes, we are called to take care of all orphans, in our country and abroad. I feel like as believers there is sometimes a divide between American foster care adoption and International adoption. Sometimes I believe people feel as though one is better than the other. They are both wonderful ways to look after orphans in their distress. Please allow the Holy Spirit to guide and direct where a family should go. They are both areas that have a great need for people to step up and walk in faith. 

We so look forward to being with our girl!! We pray for all the families waiting now to pass Embassy!

 

Birthday

Throughout the whole adoption process I have thought of it like carrying a biological child. First you conceive, the point when you decide to fill out the application and you are accepted into a program. Then you begin the challenging yet beautiful part called pregnancy which we in the adoption world affectionately call the paper pregnancy. No stretching of the pants but lots of paperwork and an unknown due date. The third part is the birth which is your court date in adoption. It becomes real, irrevocable and very official. The last part is taking your new child home and this will be the last part which is clearing Embassy and finally bringing Tshion home. So in a lot of ways it is the same and in other ways very different.  So I will call this post birthday because Tshion is officially a new member of our family in a very real and tangible way! So happy birthday Tshion!


We awoke this morning to breakfast and friendly conversation. All I could think of was, will we pass court. We had not heard if a very important approval letter had made it to the court so we were not sure. In order to pass, that letter needed to be there. My stomach was in knots. I was SOOO ready to reveal my very precious girl to all of our friends and family. I wanted her to become ours in all legal ways. I wanted to be able to hold her and tell her before we left that she no longer needed to fear that she would not have a family. She would be secure in our arms. She no longer needed to worry where her next meal would come from or if someone was thinking about her at night wondering how she was.

So there we were sitting in a small room with about 40 people while agency by agency was called into the Judges one room office. The courts are not like American courts. It is just an office. I was sitting there thinking about how we were leaving tomorrow and how we were not scheduled to see her on our court date. I longed to see her. I prayed that God would allow us time to see her. No joke, five minutes later and we see our bubbly, vivacious daughter stroll through the door and run to us. I about fell out of my chair. What a loving God we serve! This is not typical for the child to be at the court. When you adopt an older child they have to be interviewed to make sure everything is adding up and okay. This is usually done when the birth family relinquishes their rights to the child. Tshion was not well and could not make it that day so she had to be interviewed during our court time. God knew we needed to see her and orchestrated a way for us to see her. I love those small things He does. So we played with her as we waited. It was a very sweet time of just the three of us. We heard her really laugh for the very first time and it was beautiful!

It was time and we were called to the room. We nervously sat down and the judge asked us four simple questions that we answered and then she said, "You realize that this decision is irrevocable and permanent. There will be no going back. She is legally your responsibility. Are you sure?" YES we both responded. She simply said, "Congratulations Tshion is officially your daughter." At that moment Pete and I both had tears in our eyes and we walked out and hugged our daughter letting her know we were hers forever. It was beautiful!

It was a beautiful picture of God's love for us. He chose me even though I was not perfect or even loved Him back. He knew the risks of loving me and He fulfilled that risk by dying on a cross. It is perfect love. He loves me in an irrevocable way! He does not go back on His promise to love me, teach me, discipline me or guide me. That is the promise we made to Tshion today. It was a big one. We promised at that moment in the court room that no matter what the future would hold, we will never turn our back on her. We will love her no matter the risks and she will forever be our daughter. Nothing can change that. We hope that loving her in this way will point her to the One who will love her in an even greater way and has loved her longer than we have. That is our ultimate prayer! She is a beautiful gift!

Hump in the road

We enjoyed our second day in Ethiopia with a great church service, yummy Caribbean food and time spent in the rain with our daughter. What could a new mom ask for! We did have our first issue today that sent my emotions on a downward plunge into the unknown.

I knew that the language barrier would be an issue but today I hit the hard wall of reality and realized just how hard it would be to full fill my motherly role with my child who does not speak my language. The role of comforting, teaching, disciplining, caring, listening and guiding this precious new child that God is bringing into our family.

Sunshine was bright and cheery all afternoon until the storm came, literally and figuratively. The thunder rolled outside as well as in our Sunshine's heart. It was like hitting a brick wall. Within a matter of seconds our Sunshine went into a dark cloud of emotion. She closed down completely and I had no words of understanding or comfort to offer because I had no idea what was going on. We sat on the cold couch and as I reached for her, she pulled away. I felt utterly helpless as my child pushed me away and began to cry. I did not understand and she did not understand my words. What was I to do?? My heart ached and yearned to comfort her. So I prayed that God would calm me and help me to show her love and grace. We then went on a search for the translator. There is no furor like a mamma lion who is seeking to help her cub. We could not find him and I pushed my way into the house to find him. We finally found him and he went to talk with her. What was the problem you ask? She wanted a orange soda and we had told her that we did not have any and we could not leave the complex with her. Yes folks, she was simply being her age. What is that I age? I found out that I could tell that part of her story. She was being 8 almost 9. What made this tantrum so hard was that I had no idea what was going on. Our language difference is a huge barrier but it is so GREAT that we serve a God who is mighty to break down walls and barriers. Perfect love casts out fear. I had to remember that as I wanted to run out of the complex saying this is too much. How can I love this child and mother her if we can not talk to each other. However that is only looking at me and not the big picture or God's greatness. He has brought us here to this moment to this child. She is His first and He is going to make her ours second. The Lord calmed me and reminded me that it is simple. Step by step with Him guiding it all the way. It will take time but a friend at the transition home was very encouraging by telling me that it was a sign of love that we even took the time to find someone to translate and discover the issue. That was a sign of love. There are ways of showing love that require no language and He will show me those ways as we begin this journey.

I did not run out of the gate to the nearest airplane. I just sent Pete and the translator to the store to buy our kiddo a orange soda. One hump down, many more to go, more victories to happen. Let this journey begin!

Meetcha Day

I wanted to send you a quick little update on our first full day here. Please go easy on picking out the errors, I am a little tired. ;) We had our "Meetcha Day" today. This is how it went....

We arrived late Friday night to an itenirary that said we had to go to the museum the next morning and lunch before we would go to the transition home to see Sunshine. My heart dropped a little. It would be another 15 hours before I would see her. It was not in my control and I knew the time would happen so I would just have to be patient. The next morning it was made clear why we had to wait. There were two more families that arrived this morning and they wanted to see their kiddos as much as we did. However, they needed time to refresh from their flights and unpack a bit. So off to the musuem. I learned a little bit more about Ethiopian history which was nice but butterflies were starting to creep in as time moved on. Flutter, Flutter, Flutter...

We went to lunch at a fantastic Italian restaurant. Italian, you say, why yes! It was delicious and we were surrounded with great company. I managed to swallow a few bites without it making its way back up due to nerves but it was nice to get some food. Then it was time, lunch was over and it was time to make the drive to the transition house. Flutter, Flutter, Double Time Flutter.....

We drove into the complex and I felt that my ability to control my emotions was slowly unraveling as we pulled into the gate and parked the van. My hands were sweaty and my heart was racing. What if she did not like us?? Do I run to her? Do I hold her? Oh, I just want to hold her.

All four families stood anxiously awaiting their child. We went in alphabetical order and we would be second. We watched as the first family greeted their precious kiddos. It was a beautiful sight. Soon, it was our turn. My thoughts were racing and tears were beginning to well. Without giving much info on Sunshine, she has had a rough life and has grown fond of several workers and they have grown fond of her. They have been excited for her as she received parents and several of them came out to see her reaction as she first saw us. It was then that I saw that beautiful face peek out from the door, with bright yellow sunglasses on, of course!! I broke as she came running towards me and lept into my arms like she had been waiting for us her whole life. I held her and bawled as she held me tight. She then leaned over and grabbed Pete and went into his arms. We just looked at each other in wonder as God was now creating a new path for our family with this precious new member. We had fun today and I wish I could share so many pictures but that time will come. For now, I leave you with this sneek peak!

Next Steps

A few people have asked me if Sunshine will be coming home on this first trip. The answer is a very sad, no. You have to take two trips in order to adopt from Ethiopia. The first one is to pass the Ethiopia court system. That is also the trip that you usually meet your child for the first time. It is usually between 5-6 days long. Some families extend that time. I WISH we could but the Army is calling and she can be pretty stingy with her time. Trying to be grateful that they are letting Pete go at all on such short notice but God has blessed Pete with a very gracious Commander. So our trip will be 5 days long. Court is usually a really short process, like 5-10 minutes kind of short and then the Judge tells us if we passed or didn't pass. If we pass, GREAT!!! I will finally shout to the world our daughter's name and proudly show off her pictures. If we don't pass, that will mean another court trip for us until we pass. Most families are passing court at this point.

So, after we pass, we then start collecting our post court paperwork (Sunshine's new birth certificate, passport, etc...) By we, I mean the Ethiopian government and our agency. As soon as we collect all the needed documents, our case will be sent to the American Embassy who will then look through everything and make sure it is accurate. At that point they will schedule a birth family interview in our case. If the child is abandoned it works a little differently but for our case we will more than likely have a birth family interview. As soon as the birth family interviews, our Embassy will CLEAR us, which means, WE CAN GO AND PICK HER UP!!!! That whole process takes about 8-12 weeks right now. It has taken much shorter than that time frame and much longer but that is about typical. So we are looking at about 2-3 months before seeing our kiddo again. :( However, the next time we see her, she will be coming home.

I just wanted to give you guys a little more information because it can be confusing. It is hard to believe we are here in this place right now. I am still trying to wrap my brain around it all. However I have a neat God story that must be shared. When we lost Shai, I wanted to grow our family through natural means at that time rather than adoption. Pete was faithful and a strong leader and he truly felt that adoption was our next step. It was hard to trust but through prayer and Pete's loving leadership, I felt that he was right. However, I was very concerned about the time frame in adoption. I prayed, asking God that if He wanted us to adopt, would He make it like a pregnancy and have it last right at 9 months. I also said that if that was not the best than I would still trust His ways. So, fast forward and I started looking at our time frame. If we bring home Sunshine when the time frame says we will then it will have been 9 months from start to finish! God is good! All the time! And hey, my pants still fit! :) Those are the small details that remind me that God is not silent or distant. He is very near and active and yes I would say that even when it would not have fit my time table. My life verse is

Isaiah 55: 8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

Wating for a Court Date

I have been neglecting writing out my detailed thoughts on this adoption process. The whole adoption process has gone so fast my mind is left reeling. We were officially accepted into the Ethiopia program at our agency as of March 2012. From there we hit the ground running knowing that there was a little girl we were hoping for. We expedited our home study so she could be officially referred to us and as of May 26th we accepted the referral for our precious daughter. We expedited the process to finish up our dossier and sent that in as of the first week in June and then we were fingerprinted for the United States Immigration and Customs Office to receive approval for Sunshines visa. So from start until now it has been 4 months to begin waiting on a court date. Just to give you a time frame, it is supposed to take 4-6 months to even complete your dossier. Add in to the mix a military move across country and placing a home for sale and you have a recipe for extreme business. God has brought us through each thing faithfully and we are grateful to at least be a little bit more settled. However, I would like to backtrack and take a little time to tell you what I can about why we picked our Sunshine.

It was the end of March and I was speaking with our coordinator about the waiting children program and explaining that Pete and I were very interested to look at the children. She was a bit concerned because she did not want us to pick a child off of the waiting list just so the process would be much quicker, which at times it is not. The wait for an ethically placed young infant or toddler adoption is ranging from about 24-36 months at this point. We assured her that our hearts have always been open to adopting an older child with special needs. She gave us the password and that we could go from there.

 It was a warm and humid day when I first went and looked at the waiting child list for our agency. My mind drifted back to the warm and humid days that I spent in Kenya and I wondered what it felt like in Ethiopia. My stomach was fluttering with excitement as I thought about one of my dreams coming true and being able to return to Africa. I was also excited that God was beginning to fulfill a God-filled desire of bringing home an orphan from Ethiopia. My eyes scanned over the four children that were on that page, all of them so beautifully created, all of them with the heavy weight of grief in their eyes. You could tell that this world has been cruel and that they had more hurt than most people had in a lifetime. My heart ached for each but as I scrolled to one particular girl my eyes stopped. I looked into those deep, brown eyes and looked at the most incredible smile I have ever seen. It was so bright and beautiful I could not help but smile. Her eyes told me of a little girl that has seen too much, lived too much and longed for a family. It was at that moment I knew God was telling me this was the one, she was our gift from God and we were His family for her. I told Pete to go and look at the page without telling him which one stopped me in my tracks. He did and his mind and thoughts were drawn back to her. Come to find out a few days later when we shared with our family coordinator which child we were strongly praying for, she told us that was the little girl she thought would jump out to us. God is good! All the time!We could do nothing but wait because we had not completed our homestudy and to look at a waiting child you must have that completed. We trusted that God's timing was perfect and we waited. We prayed that if we were not her family that God would bring her family to her very soon. Sure enough we finished our homestudy and we received the referral a short week later. 

I wish I could reveal more but so much is Sunshine's story to tell, not ours. It will be her testimony of God's faithfulness and not ours to share, except for the parts that make up our testimony. What I can say is, God has brought her through much and we are looking forward to watching Him move in her life and being able to watch His faithfulness as she grows.  We are so very humbled that we have been given the honor of becoming this precious child's parents. We are so non-deserving. We are not perfect. We are trying to be obedient to that which He has called us. God is the one that will receive all the glory and praise. He is the one that opened two hard hearts to be softened to the things of His calling. His grace abounds and I am grateful to not only be LOVED in abundance but to be USED in abundance. 

So here we are, waiting for a court date. They have already opened her case without us so there is a chance that we will be going by the end of this month or beginning of next month. Court usually closes for two months due to the rainy season but they have yet to announce when that will be. No matter what, we trust God's timing. He has faithfully and graciously placed that truth deep inside my heart. That is one truth that Shai's life and death has taught me. God is good and so is His timing. He is sovereign and we have nothing to worry about. This is just another chance to be further refined. It's funny but I am beginning to believe not just know the truth spoken of in James 1:2-4  ^"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." Even when we walk through the hardest of times, like the death of a loved one or the waiting of something without a set time frame, you can trust that God is refining and producing something beautiful within you. That is the only reason I can count anything that seems overwhelming, ugly, hard and terrible as joy. Those are the moments in life that forever change you into something far greater than yourself, if you allow. 

Please pray for us as we are tired, overwhelmed a bit and trying to prepare for the future arrival of our daughter. Pray that she would be watched over and that God would be preparing her heart for us and for Him. Pray that the rest of our finances would come in. We need about $5,000 more to get us to the end. Pray for the other kiddos over there that have not found families and are in need. Consider supporting ministries that try to make it possible for orphans to be adopted in country, which is a far better option. Or, consider opening your heart and mind to adoption. It is not what everyone is called to, no, but we are called to take care of those who are in need. I encourage you to take time to find out what avenue that is for you and your family. Thank you for your kindness and support! 

Home Study Adventure Begins

Well we officially begin the home study tomorrow. All those weeks of tediously putting together paperwork has come to an end and we will finally get to meet with our social worker. I am excited to be at this point but know that the road is still so much longer. The journey has been sweet thus far and fairly simple compared to some horror stories I have heard but then again we are just at the start. Our child is waiting on us. We are waiting on them. God is preparing both parties hearts to eventually come together as one unique family.

So many have shared how they were nervous for the home study and the thought that maybe they will not be picked as a suitable family for a waiting child. Do not get me wrong, I have had my fears and worries that I have had to lay down at my Father's feet but the home study has not been one of them. I know the Lord has called us to this path and I know He will bring it to fruition. It may not be the way or in the timing I have thought out but I KNOW He will make it so. So, I am not nervous about what the social worker might think. Pete and I have nothing crazy to hide. I trust in the One who has called us to this journey. I look forward to hearing the wisdom our social worker will bring. I look forward to being one step closer to bringing home our next child.

I know the journey of bringing home our child will more than likely not be easy one. I have been ravaging books left and right on adopting the hurt and institutionalized child. There are times those books have frightened me and at the same time have deeply encouraged me. They have brought about realistic expectations in my heart and mind for what the journey will most likely look like. I am deeply grateful for the wisdom God has given these authors and other adopting families. You can not take a child who has walked through hell and back and expect them to be perfect, grateful, wonderful children. They are deeply hurt by the fallen world we live in. They have been neglected, abused, abandoned, or orphaned due to illness or other causes. In some instances there are parents who are so poor that they place their children hoping that they will get a chance to survive because in their current circumstances they will not. What do you say to a parent as they are placing their child in your care because they can not support them. As a mother that has lost a child my heart aches at the thought. Our world is so hurt and broken. I am so grateful that there is hope!! This is not the end. We have been given a Savior who has conquered this world and death! The battle is won and one day He will return. He is alive! When I hear the stories and see the lives of these children who have lived through incomprehensible things, this is the only truth on which I can stand. So no, I no longer have the expectation that this child will run into my arms, tell me they love me and go about with a happy existence. Yes, if I am honest this was my expectation for a while. My friends, books and mentors have told me it will much more look like a scared child slowly walking up to you and crying on your way back to America and for a while after you return. Even though you know you are providing them with a better temporal existence, it is all they have ever known. We will be stripping them from their life and throwing them into ours. What a culture and life shock! They will more than likely be delayed to some extent and patience and grace must abound. It will truly be loving sacrificially because for a while and maybe for the long haul we will receive nothing in return.

Wow! I am starting to grasp more and more the love of Christ for me. He loved me when I could and would not ever give Him anything in return. I was stripped bare from the world and culture I knew and He has loved me patiently and graciously while I learn how to operate in this new world as His child. He has gently wooed my heart and I am so grateful. We have the honor of showing this kind of love to a child in hopes that they will see the One who ultimately pursues their heart. The only way we can show this kind of love is because we have the perfect example in Christ and He has given us the ability to love this way!

Trusting

So, we were officially welcomed into the Ethiopia program about a week and a half ago. We should begin building our dossier in the next week along with starting the home study. We are on track to have it turned in at the latest in September. However, as I have learned with Shai, the army and now with adoption, nothing ever goes the way my plan is set up. God has really been teaching me about His timing and plan. One of my favorite verses is ^"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9. His way is better! I am way more low key about things not going to plan than I was about three years ago when I married Pete. There are things I can control and there are things that are totally out of my control. The good news is, God is in control and that brings some comfort and assurance when things go haywire. So, we are wisely trying to be excited for this direction God is taking us but also knowing that it may not happen the way we want it to but it will happen the way God wants it to.

Many of my good friends have become pregnant with their second children in the last couple of months. I truly could not be more EXCITED but there is a lie that has creeped into my mind that I am trying to fight head on. It has not always been easy to fight off when it creeps up. Since we desire to have another natural child someday, my heart longs for that possible future child as well. I know that this is the direction the Lord wants us to go. Some might not understand but I have a certain peace in my heart when I am walking on this adoption road. I just know this is where He wants us. However, the liar of liars, likes to come in and tell me that I should just wait on adoption and go ahead and try for another birth child. The liar says, "Wouldn't it be nice to have a second child close to Amelia's age, have other babies to play with, hold an infant close within a closer time frame. " Not that those things are bad but I believe they are when I am stepping away from what God is telling us by His desire for us to adopt. Adoption has been a passion for ever. It is time. So even though the desire to have a birth child is NOT wrong,  it is wrong when we are disobeying the direction where God desires us now. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding but in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs  3:5-6

This is going to be a long road and MY plan was to have two natural children and then adopt. Which we do have two precious birth children. I just mean two children that were living on this earth. However this is not God's plan for our family but it WILL be much better and glorious than my plan will be. I just need to trust. Even though it could take up to three years to bring home a child from Ethiopia, God will be with us and give us the abundant strength to hang in there while we wait. Why, because it is His plan and He loves us. When I am worried about Amelia being four or five before she has a sibling, which is a great fear in my heart, God will remind me again that Amelia is His child first and foremost and He is watching over her and her heart. Why because this is His plan and He loves her. When I am FREAKED out at all the possible issues that could come up from a child that is adopted from an institution I will remember that God will provide the love, wisdom, discernment, ability and resources to deal with those as they come. Why because this is His plan for our family and He loves us and this child.

I REALLY am excited to meet our child one day. It is just going to be a long road filled with up hills and down hills. I am learning that is what life is. When you are going on the up hills you are thankful for how they challenge and change you. You are thankful for how God uses them. You cling to Him and become closer. When you are going on the downhills you are grateful for the break, continue to press into Him and comfort, encourage and help those that are on the uphills. So here is to the uphills and downhills of this journey. May God be glorified and Jesus shine bright!!

The Adoption Gene

Ever since I can remember, I have always wanted to adopt. In my heart, even before I was a Christian, I knew that I would someday adopt and bring home a child from another country. When I became a christian and understood that God had adopted me into His kingdom that desire only increased. So I knew that when God brought someone in my life, that man would have to have that same desire. When Pete and I met and started dating we began to talk about children. I asked him what kind of family did he see in our future. He proceeded to tell me that he would like a couple of biological children and then he wanted to adopt internationally. I remember sucking in my breath and thinking, REALLY!! I told him of that same desire. So fast forward and we have had two beautiful biological children, Amelia and Shai. Amelia is a vibrant two year old and Shai was our gift on earth for a brief time and is now in the arms of Jesus. As Pete and I contemplated and prayed about what the next step would be in our family, adoption stood out. We would love to have another natural child! Hopefully in God's timing and plan, that will become a reality in the future. However, we truly feel like adoption is the next step for our family. So with much JOY and much EXCITEMENT, we have started the process of adopting a child from Ethiopia. The application is turned in and the next step will be building our dossier, a fancy word for A LOT of paperwork. After that we will have to wait for a referral and then make two trips to Ethiopia. The first to fill out government paperwork and meet our precious new child and the second trip to bring that precious child home!! The process could take 12-24 months from this point on. However, Pete and I have said that we are willing to bring in one of the "Waiting Children", which means a child that is either older or who has special needs. If we qualify, that would speed up the process. So, as I did with our journey with Shai, I am going to blog about our process. Mostly for two reasons. One, I want our families to feel a part of our journey along with our friends. Second, I want our future child to know how much they are loved. They are already prayed about, thought about and very much our child. This is a long road but one we have thoughtfully considered and prayed through. So at times, this will be a blog written to our child. I want them to know that we documented about them before we met them face to face as much as we did when we were pregnant with our other two children.

We are so excited! Let the journey begin!!