I realized that I have not really update our blog in a while. It is amazing how time flies when you are busy with two wild girls. It amazes me that Miss E has been home for almost three months. Some things have been easier than I thought and other things have been a little harder than I thought. Here are a few small items I have learned.
1. I don't know how anyone parents a child with a traumatic background and language barrier without the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
2. I don't have the strength, patience, love or grace in and of myself. I have floundered hard when I have tried.
3. Hand gestures are now a permanent thing in my life, even when I am not speaking to someone with a different language.
4. Children are much more brave and resilient than we give them credit for.
5. Sisters often like to bond in the middle of the night when they are supposed to be sleeping. (Mine do anyway)
6. No wonder my parents used the "I am going to turn this car right around if you don't settle down" card when kids are going crazy in the backseat.
7. You might need a gas mask to enter our house when certain bodily functions are occurring with both our girls.
8. Sometimes it is okay to go to another room and just take a minute.
9. Girls develop their own fashion sense pretty early on and my fashion is apparently not the "it" thing right now.
10. You can get E to eat any veggie if you put a little salt on it. Don't judge. :)
10. Love is more than a feeling but an action.
On a personal note the last three months have shown me how prideful I am. I thought that I depended on the Holy Spirit to guide me a lot more than I actually do. After many days of cracking, yelling, stomping my feet, crying and just plain apathy I realize that I depend far to much on my own strength. God has been showing me through this adoption just how much I do that. I am in need of something far greater than strength to parent well. I am humbled and this experience has taught me to lean more on Him.
I am also learning that each child is unique and comes with their own ways of coping with grief and change. Support groups which are a great blessing can also be a hindrance to me because of my sin. I tend to compare how others do things and how their children are responding and behaving in certain situations and then gauge whether we are doing okay or bad based off their families. The truth is, every child and family is different. Miss E is going to cope in different ways than other adopted kids. Her story is different from their stories as are theirs from hers. Each child will experience their trauma differently. I LOVE certain books about adoption that come highly recommended. I devoured them. I highly recommend them. I have gleaned wisdom from them and from other adoptive parents but I have also realized that Miss E is her own person and she will follow her own journey in this life. I say this because Miss E has not followed the books step by step and she has seemed to adjust fairly well. Please do not mistake me for saying that she is not struggling. She has her moments of grief but she seems to be attaching and bonding and for this we are grateful. Because we have not struggled as much as other families I have had moments of panic thinking that I am not paying enough attention and missing important things, which maybe I am. I pray every day that God would give me eyes to see the world through her eyes. However, I think that God has been showing me that she is Miss E and that He has a plan and purpose for her. That He is working ALL things out in her life, the good and the bad, for His glory and her sanctification. This will look differently for every child. Her story is not the same as another adopted child nor are they like her. She does have some of the same struggles that a lot of other adopted children have but there are some things that we have not struggled with. I am learning that I need to glean wisdom from those on this earth that have great insight to adoption of older children but I need to realize that they are still humans and psychology is not a hard science. People are complex beings and complicated at times. So, I continue to read those important books and seek out wisdom from other moms and dads but hold that with an open hand while praying for God's wisdom on how to parent our girl. God is molding all of us right now and we just need to be open to being molded.
The struggle I am finding the most difficult is with my own heart. As I look upon this child that God has blessed us with I find myself struggling to have maternal instincts. When we were seeing things on paper and a few pictures here and there it was easy for me to feel these maternal feelings for her. Now that she is finally in our home, I realize that she is her own person with her own personality. Her personality has been formed at this age. We did not get a chance to see her grow into that person. We now have to get to know her without all that past history. This is not as easy as it seems, or at least for me it has not been. When Amelia was born, I loved her because she was given by God and I knew that she was special but I was not IN love with Amelia. That kind of bonding has taken time and is still continuing to develop. As she grows older and I begin to see this unique person that God has made, develop and grow, my feelings and maternal instincts grow deeper and more mature. I believe that happens because of time and life spent together. Times on the couch, time with her when she is sick, time playing together, time talking and hanging out with each other and so on and so on. So, I am trying to breath and remember that it will take time to forge a long lasting bond with Miss E. I love her and know that God has brought us to our family but it will take time to forge that deep maternal bond. Every day brings about another opportunity to bond deeper and build those maternal instincts. Right now I am trusting that God is going to bond our hearts together and I just have to be faithful to show her love and treat her like she is one of our own, because she is and I know that one day there will be absolutely no distinction in my heart. God has called us to this, I believe He will make that bond in my heart. Please do not get me wrong, I love her, she is not being neglected, we treat her as one of our own. I am talking about he inward struggle I have. Also, my feelings and struggles are not the same as other families. There are families that struggle like I do and there are some that have that deep maternal instinct right off the bat. Again, we are all created very differently.
We are doing well. God is doing great things and I know that our family is drawing closer to Him through this journey. Evangeline is a beautiful little girl with a vibrant personality. She is a strong extrovert and we are strong introverts so she is a perfect fit for us. We look forward to the journey ahead and are grateful for the difficult and easy parts of this journey. We are so grateful that God does not leave us where we are but desires to see us grow and become more Christ like. What a gift to be used to glorify Him. I am not worthy. He is so worthy.
1. I don't know how anyone parents a child with a traumatic background and language barrier without the strength and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
2. I don't have the strength, patience, love or grace in and of myself. I have floundered hard when I have tried.
3. Hand gestures are now a permanent thing in my life, even when I am not speaking to someone with a different language.
4. Children are much more brave and resilient than we give them credit for.
5. Sisters often like to bond in the middle of the night when they are supposed to be sleeping. (Mine do anyway)
6. No wonder my parents used the "I am going to turn this car right around if you don't settle down" card when kids are going crazy in the backseat.
7. You might need a gas mask to enter our house when certain bodily functions are occurring with both our girls.
8. Sometimes it is okay to go to another room and just take a minute.
9. Girls develop their own fashion sense pretty early on and my fashion is apparently not the "it" thing right now.
10. You can get E to eat any veggie if you put a little salt on it. Don't judge. :)
10. Love is more than a feeling but an action.
On a personal note the last three months have shown me how prideful I am. I thought that I depended on the Holy Spirit to guide me a lot more than I actually do. After many days of cracking, yelling, stomping my feet, crying and just plain apathy I realize that I depend far to much on my own strength. God has been showing me through this adoption just how much I do that. I am in need of something far greater than strength to parent well. I am humbled and this experience has taught me to lean more on Him.
I am also learning that each child is unique and comes with their own ways of coping with grief and change. Support groups which are a great blessing can also be a hindrance to me because of my sin. I tend to compare how others do things and how their children are responding and behaving in certain situations and then gauge whether we are doing okay or bad based off their families. The truth is, every child and family is different. Miss E is going to cope in different ways than other adopted kids. Her story is different from their stories as are theirs from hers. Each child will experience their trauma differently. I LOVE certain books about adoption that come highly recommended. I devoured them. I highly recommend them. I have gleaned wisdom from them and from other adoptive parents but I have also realized that Miss E is her own person and she will follow her own journey in this life. I say this because Miss E has not followed the books step by step and she has seemed to adjust fairly well. Please do not mistake me for saying that she is not struggling. She has her moments of grief but she seems to be attaching and bonding and for this we are grateful. Because we have not struggled as much as other families I have had moments of panic thinking that I am not paying enough attention and missing important things, which maybe I am. I pray every day that God would give me eyes to see the world through her eyes. However, I think that God has been showing me that she is Miss E and that He has a plan and purpose for her. That He is working ALL things out in her life, the good and the bad, for His glory and her sanctification. This will look differently for every child. Her story is not the same as another adopted child nor are they like her. She does have some of the same struggles that a lot of other adopted children have but there are some things that we have not struggled with. I am learning that I need to glean wisdom from those on this earth that have great insight to adoption of older children but I need to realize that they are still humans and psychology is not a hard science. People are complex beings and complicated at times. So, I continue to read those important books and seek out wisdom from other moms and dads but hold that with an open hand while praying for God's wisdom on how to parent our girl. God is molding all of us right now and we just need to be open to being molded.
The struggle I am finding the most difficult is with my own heart. As I look upon this child that God has blessed us with I find myself struggling to have maternal instincts. When we were seeing things on paper and a few pictures here and there it was easy for me to feel these maternal feelings for her. Now that she is finally in our home, I realize that she is her own person with her own personality. Her personality has been formed at this age. We did not get a chance to see her grow into that person. We now have to get to know her without all that past history. This is not as easy as it seems, or at least for me it has not been. When Amelia was born, I loved her because she was given by God and I knew that she was special but I was not IN love with Amelia. That kind of bonding has taken time and is still continuing to develop. As she grows older and I begin to see this unique person that God has made, develop and grow, my feelings and maternal instincts grow deeper and more mature. I believe that happens because of time and life spent together. Times on the couch, time with her when she is sick, time playing together, time talking and hanging out with each other and so on and so on. So, I am trying to breath and remember that it will take time to forge a long lasting bond with Miss E. I love her and know that God has brought us to our family but it will take time to forge that deep maternal bond. Every day brings about another opportunity to bond deeper and build those maternal instincts. Right now I am trusting that God is going to bond our hearts together and I just have to be faithful to show her love and treat her like she is one of our own, because she is and I know that one day there will be absolutely no distinction in my heart. God has called us to this, I believe He will make that bond in my heart. Please do not get me wrong, I love her, she is not being neglected, we treat her as one of our own. I am talking about he inward struggle I have. Also, my feelings and struggles are not the same as other families. There are families that struggle like I do and there are some that have that deep maternal instinct right off the bat. Again, we are all created very differently.
We are doing well. God is doing great things and I know that our family is drawing closer to Him through this journey. Evangeline is a beautiful little girl with a vibrant personality. She is a strong extrovert and we are strong introverts so she is a perfect fit for us. We look forward to the journey ahead and are grateful for the difficult and easy parts of this journey. We are so grateful that God does not leave us where we are but desires to see us grow and become more Christ like. What a gift to be used to glorify Him. I am not worthy. He is so worthy.
