It has been so long since I have posted an update. Several of you have asked how it is going and I have gotten wrapped up in life.
So, how are things going.......
hmmmm......I could say that everything is dandy and that our family is now perfect....
except that would be a LIE.
Compared to several families I know, we are thankful. Some of my friends have been walking deep trials with their littles from traumatic backgrounds. My heart breaks for the littles along with the families.
No amount of reading fully prepares you.....
The challenges of processing through grief and trauma is tough.....
Will we ever see healing on this side.........
There is such deep hurt from being taken from everything she knows. Such grief from remembering the family who loved her and raised her for 6 years. Heartache at physical issues she will contend with for her life. An aching heart for the food and culture of her people.
No amount of time can heal the grief that comes from leaving your homeland.....
Your people............
Your culture..........
There is a catch 22 for Evangeline. She longs for her homeland but she also longs for her family. She desires to be with us but her dream would be for all of us to be in Ethiopia and have her family alive and well.
Heart breaking........
dreams shattered......
All I can do is hold her in a hug and allow her to feel what she is feeling. There are no words of solace I can give in those moments. She needs a chance to feel in its most raw form. We pray. We laugh. We cry. We fight.
Sometimes the best thing you can give a grieving person is silence and a hand.....
No one prepared me for how bonding and attaching would be from my side. Here is the yucky truth that I am working through (personally and with professionals), I am still struggling to feel bonded with Evangeline. I know, WHAT? At this moment you might want to turn me into CPS. I assure you, I have thought those thoughts.
Her mom died praying for a new family..........
I cannot let her down..........
E deserves that kind of love and bonding......
Let me be clear, I love Evangeline. I love her as a person. I love her for the bright spot and the realness that she brings to my life. I love her as each day passes. However, that maternal bond is still small. I have been afraid to say these things because I am ashamed. How can I not feel like a mother to this child. We have two very different personalities, in fact, some would say we have clashing personalities. She is everything I am not. We drive each other nuts. Now add trauma into that and it is difficult.
Bonding and attaching is no joke......
It is a long process.........
It may not happen.........
It is messy.........
Through counseling and other resources, I am learning that I am not the only one that it has taken time to feel the maternal bond. In fact, some of my friends, after years of being a family still do not have that bond. That is scary and hard truth. Everyday I wake up and pray that God would knit my heart to hers. And hers to mine. I want so badly for this child to feel apart of me. I love her so. Truth is, some of what holds me back is fear. What if she never loves me? What is she goes back to Ethiopia when she turns 18? What if she hurts me? Can I open my heart to that hurt? Adoption is messy and hard. It is not a fairy tale and more often than not the endings are not filled with happy singing. I have to focus on the fact that we have been loved so much by a Creator, that He took a risk by sending his Son to live and die for us. We turn our back on Him every day and He still chooses to love us. If we walked away from Him right now, He would still love us. So, every day I pray for the strength that Christ showed and to love Evangeline in a way that is maternal. I pray that as I am faithful to do this that God would knit our hearts together.
With God all things are possible.......
In His timing.........
In His way...........
For His glory...........
Evangeline has truly been a wonderful addition to our family. Due to the fact that she is so different than the rest of us, she challenges us. We are better because she is in our life. She has taught me that orphan care is not just about bringing orphans into our home but fighting for family preservation. It would have been better for Evangeline to stay in her home country in her birth culture. The loss she feels daily reveals that truth. However, that was not possible at the time due to limited resources within Ethiopia. Evangeline was a true orphan, with nobody. Therefore, I know that God called us to her. However, our little fighter for justice, desires to be apart of ministries that can keep families together (when possible). She loves us. We know. She loves Ethiopia. We know. She has a torn heart. We know. We love her all the same.
So, how are things going.......
hmmmm......I could say that everything is dandy and that our family is now perfect....
except that would be a LIE.
Compared to several families I know, we are thankful. Some of my friends have been walking deep trials with their littles from traumatic backgrounds. My heart breaks for the littles along with the families.
No amount of reading fully prepares you.....
The challenges of processing through grief and trauma is tough.....
Will we ever see healing on this side.........
There is such deep hurt from being taken from everything she knows. Such grief from remembering the family who loved her and raised her for 6 years. Heartache at physical issues she will contend with for her life. An aching heart for the food and culture of her people.
No amount of time can heal the grief that comes from leaving your homeland.....
Your people............
Your culture..........
There is a catch 22 for Evangeline. She longs for her homeland but she also longs for her family. She desires to be with us but her dream would be for all of us to be in Ethiopia and have her family alive and well.
Heart breaking........
dreams shattered......
All I can do is hold her in a hug and allow her to feel what she is feeling. There are no words of solace I can give in those moments. She needs a chance to feel in its most raw form. We pray. We laugh. We cry. We fight.
Sometimes the best thing you can give a grieving person is silence and a hand.....
No one prepared me for how bonding and attaching would be from my side. Here is the yucky truth that I am working through (personally and with professionals), I am still struggling to feel bonded with Evangeline. I know, WHAT? At this moment you might want to turn me into CPS. I assure you, I have thought those thoughts.
Her mom died praying for a new family..........
I cannot let her down..........
E deserves that kind of love and bonding......
Let me be clear, I love Evangeline. I love her as a person. I love her for the bright spot and the realness that she brings to my life. I love her as each day passes. However, that maternal bond is still small. I have been afraid to say these things because I am ashamed. How can I not feel like a mother to this child. We have two very different personalities, in fact, some would say we have clashing personalities. She is everything I am not. We drive each other nuts. Now add trauma into that and it is difficult.
Bonding and attaching is no joke......
It is a long process.........
It may not happen.........
It is messy.........
Through counseling and other resources, I am learning that I am not the only one that it has taken time to feel the maternal bond. In fact, some of my friends, after years of being a family still do not have that bond. That is scary and hard truth. Everyday I wake up and pray that God would knit my heart to hers. And hers to mine. I want so badly for this child to feel apart of me. I love her so. Truth is, some of what holds me back is fear. What if she never loves me? What is she goes back to Ethiopia when she turns 18? What if she hurts me? Can I open my heart to that hurt? Adoption is messy and hard. It is not a fairy tale and more often than not the endings are not filled with happy singing. I have to focus on the fact that we have been loved so much by a Creator, that He took a risk by sending his Son to live and die for us. We turn our back on Him every day and He still chooses to love us. If we walked away from Him right now, He would still love us. So, every day I pray for the strength that Christ showed and to love Evangeline in a way that is maternal. I pray that as I am faithful to do this that God would knit our hearts together.
With God all things are possible.......
In His timing.........
In His way...........
For His glory...........
Evangeline has truly been a wonderful addition to our family. Due to the fact that she is so different than the rest of us, she challenges us. We are better because she is in our life. She has taught me that orphan care is not just about bringing orphans into our home but fighting for family preservation. It would have been better for Evangeline to stay in her home country in her birth culture. The loss she feels daily reveals that truth. However, that was not possible at the time due to limited resources within Ethiopia. Evangeline was a true orphan, with nobody. Therefore, I know that God called us to her. However, our little fighter for justice, desires to be apart of ministries that can keep families together (when possible). She loves us. We know. She loves Ethiopia. We know. She has a torn heart. We know. We love her all the same.
You are such a good mom. And for what it's worth, I don't think a lack of the bonding feeling makes you any less of a good mom, much less someone who should be reported to child services. :) Thank you for sharing your heart here. I can't imagine how hard it is to persevere in love some days. Praying you feel peace in your calling as Evangeline's mother and that you can grow closer to her as you care for her over time. (And patience in the meantime!)
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